1 Samuel 1:1-6
Samuel’s Birth
“Now there was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim, of mount Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite.
And he had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah: and Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.
And this man went up out of his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice unto the Lord of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the Lord, were there.
And when the time was that Elkanah offered, he gave to Peninnah his wife, and to all her sons and her daughters, portions:
But unto Hannah he gave a worthy portion ( some translations say a double portion); for he loved — Hannah: but the Lord had shut up her womb. And her adversary ( Peninnah) also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord had shut up her womb.”
For those of us that have had a problem or are having a struggle getting pregnant you can relate to Hannah. It is so painful to go out to the malls or the playgrounds etc., and see everyone with babies and or children and you and your spouse without. This was what Hannah faced daily and to make it much worse there was the jealous taunting accusations of Peninnah. Peninnah realized that Elkanah loved Hannah more but she had his sons. The household was a mess because of this and it appears God didn’t seem to care. In those days children were a sign of God’s blessing and they were displayed as assets, wealth, much like us driving around in expensive cars or wearing an extra size “rock” on your hand. This was very painful for Hannah, and especially painful when they went to Shiloh to offer sacrifices to the Lord. A time of supposed rejoicing became a time of shame and pain. A woman who could not provide her husband with a son was not even welcomed among the other women. It was probably on par with being an outcast (people with leposy were outcasts) and it was clearly her “fault.” This was such a terrible burden for Hannah to carry.
Where was the Lord, why did He not hear her many prayers? She probably exhausted herself praying and to no avail. Did God not care, was He not a good God, loving in all His ways? How was this being loving, or was He using this intense pain for a much greater good?
At this point I want to break from the story line. I titled this Vida and the one’s that will follow ” The Reason for Pain.” It would be rather presumptions of me to say that all pain will be for the conclusion we are going to come to. I could not say that. There are many reasons for pain, some of it is our own doing. Other pain has been inflicted upon us by others, and pain can come through natural disasters, a car accident, or a work injury etc., and there’s different types of pain, physical and or emotional and many times it’s both. Therefore our goal is not to answer every reason for why we experience pain, but why Hannah experienced it and see if we can make application to our own life. If not now, I’m sure opportunity will come for God seems to use pain to get our attention and it definitely does do that.
Proverbs 18:14 has an interesting comment, “The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity ( sickness) but a wounded (or broken) spirit who can bear? A broken spirit can happen for a number of reasons. A divorce can cause it, the lost of a child, rejection or betrayal by a friend and the list goes on. In my case it has occurred numerous times throughout my life. As a child I was blamed for my younger brother’s drowning, my mother regrets having said that but it has taken me thirty years to come to terms with it and forgive myself – that’s a long time for a child becoming an adult to carry such a weight. The upside, how God has used it in my life, and without trying to sound morbid is that death has become a near and present reality, it is very real to me. Therefore having gone through that I have no anchors in this life, even my family which is dearest to me I have committed 100% over to The Lord. I tread lightly in this world and heavily in the one that is too come. That has become, if you would, my “coping mechanism” for what was once excruciating pain.
I have also struggled with deep insecurity, not because I was not loved growing up, but for years of my adult life I felt God had rejected me, or at the least found me unfit. I have forever wanted to be a pastor, and to this day I have the same desire. God had called several of my friends but He never called me, so the enemy took that and turned it into rejection or and unfit vessel for such Holy work. I needed to overcome that for it was breaking my spirit, much like Hanna wanting to have a child. The Holy Spirit sat me down one day after years of struggling with it and forced me to look at the Cross. He lovingly but firmly made me to know that His lack of calling me into the ministry had nothing to do with being “fit or unfit,” we are all unfit. He said, “I didn’t want to lose you.” At first I was confused, how would You lose me, I am in the ministry, it’s all about You. His response was telling, ” because you would put the job of ministering and teaching before me, you would study the scriptures to preach a sermon but not to know me. You would get your sense of worth from the ministry but not from just simply being my son.” I cried, so deep was His spoken word to me and so tender and yet so true, a truth that I didn’t even realize about myself. His no had been anything but rejection. Now being anything other than His son I am no longer interested in. My self esteem would no longer be based on what I did, my title, or any worldly praise or ambition, but it would come solely from His approval over my life; being His adopted son by Grace would become the sole joy of my life. From heavy weights of inferiority and guilt to wings of freedom and joy, that day, long in coming, changed my whole life.
Learning to be His son has become the adventure of my life and the sole “education” for my life, for nothing else matters. As His son I seek to be not just good, but excellent in all that I undertake. From caring for my wife and family to caring for His people, to being a boss, to performing my job as a landscaper and creating great designs and caring for my clients. Taking the high road in all things is what a son of the Most High King could not help but do. Paul said he was constrained by the love of Christ, in 2 Corinthians 5:14
“For the love of Christ constraineth us;”
As if to say I have no choice in the matter, this is the path I must travel, there are no other options.” This is exactly how I feel, I have no options, nor do I want any. The narrow road with all its constrictions, pain and struggle is just fine for me, for with each difficulty or pain my ” sonship” is deepened.
Often we think someone who is close to The Lord does not have the normal every day struggles with family, work, neighbors etc. I have come to find that the opposite is true. The closeness to God comes as a result of these struggles. A commentator on Abraham’s Lincoln life said if it had not been for the churlish ill nature of his wife he would not have had the character and the where withal to hold the struggling nation together. Those years of his presidency were difficult and dark years. The struggles in his marriage drove deep his dependence upon the Lord, building within him a character that was able to endure and provide the leadership the divided nation needed.
In my family, wife and two girls, we have definitely had our struggles. My oldest left home at eighteen. She left home with a broken spirit. I knew in that state she would be an easy mark for any lies or traps Satan would put before her, and he did. For three years I cried daily, so deep was the pain.
However I never cried like this before, I cried in the inside. I still needed to get up and run the business, met clients etc., yet I was so conscious that my inner person was continuously weeping over my daughter, as if she had died. I could not understand the pain. It was so very intense and as I sought the Lord to understand it I saw in my mind cows being branded on a ranch. I saw the red hot iron of the brand, I heard the cow crying as the brand marked its skin. I heard and felt it. The branding though seemingly cruel, marked the cow, it belonged to that ranch now and from that ranch came its provision. It wasn’t just any cow, it had an identity, a home and it belonged. God was using the pain to brand me as His. I accepted that but then the pain intensified and I cried out to Him again. I saw myself on a table, as if in a surgery room and again I saw the red hot brand with my chest being exposed and then I saw the doctor plunge the red hot brand unto my chest and everything in me freaked out, the pain was beyond anything I could imagine. I cried, shouted for it to stop but steady was the doctor’s hand as he keep the force of the brand on my chest. I fought with all my might but in time I grew exhausted and mentally beyond and all I remember thinking is that this nightmare had now become my new reality. Where I found the strength to get up and go to work I will never know other than it was God’s super natural strength that was carrying me during those years. My steps were heavy and my interaction with others was limited as I sought to do only what I had to do. I found that the more I spent time in prayer the more I was able to cope with life and the pain.
Prayer became an hour long event each day after dismissing the crews to work. Rain or shine, cold or hot it didn’t matter. I had a place I front of my shop where I walked that became my meeting place with the Lord. I began to pray for other parents having struggles with their kids, my brothers and sisters in the faith that suffered persecution in communist or Moslem countries also. And finally after months of prayer as to the reason for such pain the Lord gave me another picture. I saw the figure of a man with a shovel in his hand digging into my heart and with each plunge of the shovel piercing pain insued. I cried out to the Lord to tell the man to stop, His reply was that He was the man. He was using the pain to dig a well in my heart so that I could hold more of His love. I cried, never ever anticipating that answer and though the pain did not lessen, knowing the reason allowed me to welcome it. He wanted to love me on a deeper more intimate level and He was using this hardship for this reason. I did a lot of crying during this period, it was unlike any period in my life. God was doing an upheaval, dethroning Arthur and placing Himself squarely on the throne of my heart with a much larger capacity to receive His love for myself and in turn to genuinely love others.
The pain continued as if I was in bereavement, and my prayers continued to be my source of strength. I felt His presence with me. Upon ending my prayers each day I felt as though I had to come back to earth, so focused in the realm of prayer. I often felt that I was before His throne. I had never felt that prior to these times. I learned that He cried with me. The Holy Spirit was leading me through a “desert period” of my life where intercessory prayer became my source of life and strength coupled with the Word. I learned to pray both in the spirit but mostly in English and Spanish, Spanish being my first language. Through prayer I was able to participate with the Spirit in bringing my daughter back home. She would come over to visit and tell Lisa that she could not understand why she didn’t enjoy “sinning” like her friends, she just wasn’t into it. And those exact words would be my focus for the week. I shared my prayers with no one so I knew that this was God encouraging me. If Satan was going to mess with my daughter he was going to get the fight of his life. I grew bold and more confident as the Lord continued to confirm to me He was hearing my prayers and not only for my daughter but for others parents as well. It has been a long process, but now I can confidently say, ” Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.” I have no fear now, where as before I feared greatly.
In the third year of this period my youngest daughter lost her finance in an auto accident. He was a police officer and was run over by a drunk driver. I loved him and grieved for him, but even deeper yet I was grieving for my daughter. I felt as if Matt died twice in my heart. I was “trained” in personal death given by background, but I had never anticipated grieving for my daughter’s lost. To share how God used this period requires another Vida but it was miraculous to say the least.
In ending part one I want to emphasize that all pain has a purpose when you commit it to the Lord. It doesn’t have to crush you. It can be the very thing that gives you wings toward Heaven. If you are in a bevreavement period I have learned that lost or pain comes in stages, we are not able to coup with it all at once, it’s God’s protection mechanism for us. Therefore know that it takes time, and the time it takes is personal for each one of us. Following the pattern I shared, making time for prayer and for the Word, drawing close to the Lord is where you will find your strength. God’s presence is the greatest healing mechanism we have.
Father God,
I pray for all my brothers and sisters who are struggling right now. Allow them to find the peace that only comes from You. Don’t let them believe the lies of the enemy that say that You don’t care. The Cross proves without a doubt that You care so much that You died so that You could help us with life’s struggles. Thank you and Amen.
Move Forward in His Grace – love you, Arthur